Tomorrow is pill refiling day and as I take a look at my pill box, it makes me a little sad that there is only one Stillnox pill in there. This means that I only went one night without my sleep medication this week. Even then, I still had to take Lorazepam that night.
And I remember what a hellish night it was.
Waking up every hour. The anxiety. The itching in my bones, my organs, my brain. The topic of anxiety is probably a topic i'll have to touch on another day because its hard to describe something so intense and suffocating in just a few words. It was downright crappy and it made me so upset with myself that I cannot even handle a simple task like sleeping without medication. Or getting out of bed.
But you know, the doctor never really said I should cut down on the Stillnox. I just felt like I should. I pop 5 pills a day and a part of my brain tells me Hey, this has got to be bad for me so I had better not take this any more. I mean, the first thing that everyone tells me once they hear im on medication is "
Eh, dont take so much." or "
Hey pills are BAD. Stop them" or "
Come one, you dont need this. Just RELAX and sleep" or :
" Hey just stop being sad lor".
To these people, i sometimes want to point them the finger and say : Up yours. You know what I dont need? I dont need this useless advice from you. I dont need you to pretend you know what's it like in my head, my brain,my toes and my ears and how all this can be solved so easily. I don't need to feel bad about myself , or any weaker than you just because I depend on these pills to get my life back. I don't need to know I have to RELAX. I am not stupid. I know I have to relax, what the hell do you think these pills are supposed to help me to do? If I could relax by myself, you think I would be putting these things into my body for the fun of it?
But im better now. Not in the sense where I do not need my medication cause I do. But better in not wanting to lash out and punch you in the face when someone tells me this. I understand where these people are coming from. Rewind to just a year ago and I would probably be the one telling you to relaxxxx. What else is there to say when you don't understand what is it like?
I feel like a part of my life has been robbed from me. The highs and the lows. The confusion and the frustration that follows it. and the shame. These pills have made me like im being put together again just a little bit. Yes, I know ultimately pills should be avoided if possible, but honestly, between the dark hole and this, i'll swallow a bowl full of pills if I have to.
