back from the living dead

I find myself wanting to document only the bad things that happen.
I should be celebrating the good!

However, this is not one such post.
My anxiety has returned.. Like winter to farmer.
It sucks so bad but you knew it was coming anyways.

My night anxiety gets so bad that I think there must be a spider in my stomach. It's not the booming lubb dubb in my chest as in the past, but more of a heart churning type of feeling. Things just don't feel right. Im anxious. Excited almost.

I skipped my medication a lot for the past 2 months and yet i'm fine. But the doc says that i am not in the clear yet.
No fever why must still take medicine?
it's almost gotten to an extent that my pills are brought to me at night and I am being watched as I take my pills. I feel that I'm that girl. The girl you see in movies that lives in the crazy ward and then pretends to swallow her pills and then spits them out when the guard isn't looking. Or am I channeling Orange Is The New Black?

In any case, I deserve it. I really should take my medication. It's vitamins, for my brain.

This is the diary of the rational girl. 

I am a rational person with rational thoughts. But sometimes , I don't act in a rational way. 

The crux of the problem lies with Emotion. They run wild in my head.  These Emotions play a tug of war in my mind. They quicken my heart and dull my mind. All at the same time. Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle.  They bring tears to my eyes and make my nose red. They make me want to scream in anger and cry with sadness. 

But, I am not sad. 

At the very most, one might say I am a conflicted person. Perhaps that is a better word.

I am a conflicted person. 

Living on borrowed time

I don't know why people are doing this to me. Is this to be the rest of my life? Everyone having a hold on me, threatening to shame me and to tear my life apart.  I pray every night that God gives me one more day to be happy.  I live in fear and shame. That the whole world knows what terrible person I am. I hear them mocking me, judging me. And I deserve it. 

I completely and wholeheartedly deserve it. 

Every time the phone rings, every time the phone beeps. My heart leaps into my mouth wondering of this is the day my world will fall apart.

I am married to a wonderful man. I am truly blessed. God gave me an angel and I spat in it's face. And I am so sorry. 

 If only I could turn back time. 

Past two nights were so bad.

I can hear the pounding in my chest.

Lub dub Lub dub Lub dub.

It echoes through my brain my eyes.

My fingers tingle from the blood flow.

My body breaks out in cold sweat. The aircon is too cold. The blanket is too hot.

I slept maybe an hour and a half in total. Even with drowsy meds.

And the day isn't any different. My face is flushed and warm to touch.

What's happening to me

Here we go again

Back on Xanax. 

Saphira

Feeling terrible as I mark their work. Not just because marking is very entertaining, but also because every name that I come across reminds me of every child that I've let down in my class. Those children put their trust in me. And here I've gone and done something so selfish and childish. Life is hard, I should get used to it. Why did I think I deserved having a second chance. 

The monsters at night.

Today I woke up slightly traumatized.  I dreamt I was being injected with stuff to put me to sleep as they were going to cut off my arms and legs. My arms were tied behind me and my legs too. And they were going to cut them off. And I remember them showing me a picture of how they would do it to a dog and that's how they were going to do me. 

And they kept screwing up cause I wouldn't go to sleep.  

Oh man. My dreams.