This is the diary of the rational girl. 

I am a rational person with rational thoughts. But sometimes , I don't act in a rational way. 

The crux of the problem lies with Emotion. They run wild in my head.  These Emotions play a tug of war in my mind. They quicken my heart and dull my mind. All at the same time. Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle.  They bring tears to my eyes and make my nose red. They make me want to scream in anger and cry with sadness. 

But, I am not sad. 

At the very most, one might say I am a conflicted person. Perhaps that is a better word.

I am a conflicted person. 

Living on borrowed time

I don't know why people are doing this to me. Is this to be the rest of my life? Everyone having a hold on me, threatening to shame me and to tear my life apart.  I pray every night that God gives me one more day to be happy.  I live in fear and shame. That the whole world knows what terrible person I am. I hear them mocking me, judging me. And I deserve it. 

I completely and wholeheartedly deserve it. 

Every time the phone rings, every time the phone beeps. My heart leaps into my mouth wondering of this is the day my world will fall apart.

I am married to a wonderful man. I am truly blessed. God gave me an angel and I spat in it's face. And I am so sorry. 

 If only I could turn back time. 

Past two nights were so bad.

I can hear the pounding in my chest.

Lub dub Lub dub Lub dub.

It echoes through my brain my eyes.

My fingers tingle from the blood flow.

My body breaks out in cold sweat. The aircon is too cold. The blanket is too hot.

I slept maybe an hour and a half in total. Even with drowsy meds.

And the day isn't any different. My face is flushed and warm to touch.

What's happening to me

Here we go again

Back on Xanax. 

Saphira

Feeling terrible as I mark their work. Not just because marking is very entertaining, but also because every name that I come across reminds me of every child that I've let down in my class. Those children put their trust in me. And here I've gone and done something so selfish and childish. Life is hard, I should get used to it. Why did I think I deserved having a second chance. 

The monsters at night.

Today I woke up slightly traumatized.  I dreamt I was being injected with stuff to put me to sleep as they were going to cut off my arms and legs. My arms were tied behind me and my legs too. And they were going to cut them off. And I remember them showing me a picture of how they would do it to a dog and that's how they were going to do me. 

And they kept screwing up cause I wouldn't go to sleep.  

Oh man. My dreams. 

Quote of the day

Gasp

Sometimes when I am doing something mundane , I suddenly remember what I've done. And my throat closes up and I remember that every happy day I have in my marriage is on borrowed time. 

 I hate who I see in the mirror. 

It's hard to breathe.  

My head beats like a drum

What a dramatic few days. Rushing to see my MP.  Seeing the school leaders. Meeting after meeting. 

And finally , negotiating my work plan. 

However.  My. Head. Hurts. 

Boom. Boom. Boom. 

  

Woe is me

‎So apparently if anything happens in class, i'm mentally ill.

But not mentally ill enough to waive a bond. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, life.

Remember remember...

I haven't felt desparingly sad in a long time.

But i also haven't felt amazing either.

There used to be a time when i felt absolutely awesome about myself and my ability. I knew i was good and I knew that people admired me for it. I knew that wherever i went, people would follow.

I knew that i was excelling at whatever i did.

Everything I touched, would turn to gold.

and now, I'm not so sure.

I fell like there is a box on what i can feel nowadays.

I can't go very low. But i haven't felt high either. And i miss it.

I miss feeling just so fucking awesome.

Makes me consider not taking my medication.
Maybe then i'll get to taste what it was like again.

And that makes me think…maybe i wasn't so awesome after all.

Maybe that was all my illness.

Who am i then? if you were to take my illness away, who am i really?

was everything I ever thought i was just the result of a chemical imbalance in my head?

How can something that makes me want to live, be the thing that kills me?

And with that, i take my pills every night. Night after night. With every pill i pop, I feel like I'm killing the girl in my head a little bit more.
And i miss her.

just musings on a Wednesday morning.

Slumber party

Its funny how sleep is such a clear sign of whats going on in my head.

One bad night and I'm crabby the next day.

Someone needs a timeout.

The girl in my head wants me to go insane. 

But I won't.

Fading like a flower

Things have been looking up since that awful run almost a month ago.

Things have been going well. I have a beautiful home and family.

But deep inside, I feel as if I don't deserve it.

I feel like any moment now, life will pull the rug under me and I will be falling all over again.

I dont deserve to be happy.

I tell myself that i do, I do, I do deserve this.

But really, I don't.

take take take me home country road

already felt weird-ish in the car.
More drama came at home. The mixed feeling. Almost struggling to be sane. To do the right and reasonable thing.

But i couldn't handle it. I just couldn't . And I ran.

Like a drunkard, I stumbled on and on. Zig zagging through paths, void decks, roads. My head hurt so much. I was so confused and filled with such a deep feeling of frustration, anger and hopelessness. I could feel myself dripping with sweat. But i couldn't stop. there were so many thoughts in my head and I just knew that if i stopped, I would be overwhelmed. As long as I didn't stop, i would be okay.

So i ran on, and on and on. And so did the thoughts.

He's better off without me. If i were gone, he'd still have the house and everything I owed him, I would make right my wrongs.
What can possibly happen with me but more hurt. I should end it.
I am a terrible person. I should end it.
The pain in my head will finally stop. I should end it.
I should just end it.
Things will only be alright if i end it.

And then I saw a mama shop.
A knife, thats what i need. A knife.
But, mama shops don't sell knives and where would I stab it? my stomach? I couldn't possibly stab my heart, my rib cage would be in the way.

and so i ran on. and so did my thoughts.

I went through park connectors, under MRT tracks, past stadiums, across roads and who knows where else. All i knew was that if i stopped, my past and all my sins would catch up with me and so I couldn't stop.

But, i finally did, with blistered and bloody feet.

And now, all I am left with is my shame.

Anxiety Anxiously Awaiting

There is a pounding in my chest. My heart beats fast and sometimes I catch myself holding my breath.
Sometimes all this becomes too overwhelming.
When I look back at the past year.
all the mistakes i made. All the hurt i caused. I can't face it. I can hardly look at my empty shell of a life and not feel like puking.

I thought the depression and the mania was the worst part. But is not. Now is the worst part.
The moment when you open your eyes and see all the damage that you caused. Nothing left to do now but to pick up the broken pieces and try the very best to hold them together.

I feel like there is hand grasping my heart, my chest. I am anxious. Fearful. Thoughts of what happened flash through my mind and the grip gets tighter.

I can't believe this happened to me.

I can't believe i did all this.
I can't believe the monster is me.

Back on anti depressants

And so the journey begins again.

The good part of the hallucinations is that it made me have no choice but to stop stilnox. Now I'm on seraquel and some anti histamine . But on top of the usual Lamcital, I am also on a new anti depressant.

I wonder how much longer my list of tried and tested medicine I will have to go through.

I know I have to be patient. It's only been such a short time. But damn it, i want my life back .

Today, I felt like vomiting all through dinner. And it was bad. like real bad. could hardly have some salad.
and now, m in bed with anxiety. a feeling so lost yet familiar. I am unsure of its because the Godma called. Or because of whatever else.

I feel like my mind is a minefield . Any moment now and I'm going to fly into mania. or sink into depression.
sometimes it feels like my mind has betrayed the body. How can you do this me me. How can it be that the monster thats killing me is myself. People who have cancer know that cancer is going to kill them. Or people with heart diseases know that thats how death will claim them.
And me? I'm the one thats going to be the death of myself.


The letter has been sent to HR.
Hopefully i get to have a new life.

Hallucinations

My stilnox addiction has taken a toll on me. I really should have seen this coming. But i didn't know how to stop it. I first started noticing hallucinations in December near xmas. Since then it was getting more and more vivid.
Last week, it started to get out of hand. Memories of dreams were blending in with reality and i had trouble telling them apart.
I really thought i was going crazy for a moment. Or had a brain tumor.

Then came Wednesday night.
The lace was beautiful Shimmery and intense, yet gentle and kind. It was beautiful. And i was appreciating them with some ladies. There was at least one lady and the rest were little girls. We talked and giggled. They were beside my bed and in the shelves.

and then the dreams. The rapes. The bloodied and swollen bodies, the beaten up faces and the despair I felt as I held them close, wiping their faces and comforting them as far as I could.
How does one wake up from that and be okay?