Gasp

Sometimes when I am doing something mundane , I suddenly remember what I've done. And my throat closes up and I remember that every happy day I have in my marriage is on borrowed time. 

 I hate who I see in the mirror. 

It's hard to breathe.  

My head beats like a drum

What a dramatic few days. Rushing to see my MP.  Seeing the school leaders. Meeting after meeting. 

And finally , negotiating my work plan. 

However.  My. Head. Hurts. 

Boom. Boom. Boom. 

  

Woe is me

‎So apparently if anything happens in class, i'm mentally ill.

But not mentally ill enough to waive a bond. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, life.

Remember remember...

I haven't felt desparingly sad in a long time.

But i also haven't felt amazing either.

There used to be a time when i felt absolutely awesome about myself and my ability. I knew i was good and I knew that people admired me for it. I knew that wherever i went, people would follow.

I knew that i was excelling at whatever i did.

Everything I touched, would turn to gold.

and now, I'm not so sure.

I fell like there is a box on what i can feel nowadays.

I can't go very low. But i haven't felt high either. And i miss it.

I miss feeling just so fucking awesome.

Makes me consider not taking my medication.
Maybe then i'll get to taste what it was like again.

And that makes me think…maybe i wasn't so awesome after all.

Maybe that was all my illness.

Who am i then? if you were to take my illness away, who am i really?

was everything I ever thought i was just the result of a chemical imbalance in my head?

How can something that makes me want to live, be the thing that kills me?

And with that, i take my pills every night. Night after night. With every pill i pop, I feel like I'm killing the girl in my head a little bit more.
And i miss her.

just musings on a Wednesday morning.

Slumber party

Its funny how sleep is such a clear sign of whats going on in my head.

One bad night and I'm crabby the next day.

Someone needs a timeout.

The girl in my head wants me to go insane. 

But I won't.

Fading like a flower

Things have been looking up since that awful run almost a month ago.

Things have been going well. I have a beautiful home and family.

But deep inside, I feel as if I don't deserve it.

I feel like any moment now, life will pull the rug under me and I will be falling all over again.

I dont deserve to be happy.

I tell myself that i do, I do, I do deserve this.

But really, I don't.

take take take me home country road

already felt weird-ish in the car.
More drama came at home. The mixed feeling. Almost struggling to be sane. To do the right and reasonable thing.

But i couldn't handle it. I just couldn't . And I ran.

Like a drunkard, I stumbled on and on. Zig zagging through paths, void decks, roads. My head hurt so much. I was so confused and filled with such a deep feeling of frustration, anger and hopelessness. I could feel myself dripping with sweat. But i couldn't stop. there were so many thoughts in my head and I just knew that if i stopped, I would be overwhelmed. As long as I didn't stop, i would be okay.

So i ran on, and on and on. And so did the thoughts.

He's better off without me. If i were gone, he'd still have the house and everything I owed him, I would make right my wrongs.
What can possibly happen with me but more hurt. I should end it.
I am a terrible person. I should end it.
The pain in my head will finally stop. I should end it.
I should just end it.
Things will only be alright if i end it.

And then I saw a mama shop.
A knife, thats what i need. A knife.
But, mama shops don't sell knives and where would I stab it? my stomach? I couldn't possibly stab my heart, my rib cage would be in the way.

and so i ran on. and so did my thoughts.

I went through park connectors, under MRT tracks, past stadiums, across roads and who knows where else. All i knew was that if i stopped, my past and all my sins would catch up with me and so I couldn't stop.

But, i finally did, with blistered and bloody feet.

And now, all I am left with is my shame.