Living on borrowed time

I don't know why people are doing this to me. Is this to be the rest of my life? Everyone having a hold on me, threatening to shame me and to tear my life apart.  I pray every night that God gives me one more day to be happy.  I live in fear and shame. That the whole world knows what terrible person I am. I hear them mocking me, judging me. And I deserve it. 

I completely and wholeheartedly deserve it. 

Every time the phone rings, every time the phone beeps. My heart leaps into my mouth wondering of this is the day my world will fall apart.

I am married to a wonderful man. I am truly blessed. God gave me an angel and I spat in it's face. And I am so sorry. 

 If only I could turn back time. 

Past two nights were so bad.

I can hear the pounding in my chest.

Lub dub Lub dub Lub dub.

It echoes through my brain my eyes.

My fingers tingle from the blood flow.

My body breaks out in cold sweat. The aircon is too cold. The blanket is too hot.

I slept maybe an hour and a half in total. Even with drowsy meds.

And the day isn't any different. My face is flushed and warm to touch.

What's happening to me

Here we go again

Back on Xanax. 

Saphira

Feeling terrible as I mark their work. Not just because marking is very entertaining, but also because every name that I come across reminds me of every child that I've let down in my class. Those children put their trust in me. And here I've gone and done something so selfish and childish. Life is hard, I should get used to it. Why did I think I deserved having a second chance. 

The monsters at night.

Today I woke up slightly traumatized.  I dreamt I was being injected with stuff to put me to sleep as they were going to cut off my arms and legs. My arms were tied behind me and my legs too. And they were going to cut them off. And I remember them showing me a picture of how they would do it to a dog and that's how they were going to do me. 

And they kept screwing up cause I wouldn't go to sleep.  

Oh man. My dreams. 

Quote of the day

Gasp

Sometimes when I am doing something mundane , I suddenly remember what I've done. And my throat closes up and I remember that every happy day I have in my marriage is on borrowed time. 

 I hate who I see in the mirror. 

It's hard to breathe.