Slumber party

Its funny how sleep is such a clear sign of whats going on in my head.

One bad night and I'm crabby the next day.

Someone needs a timeout.

The girl in my head wants me to go insane. 

But I won't.

Fading like a flower

Things have been looking up since that awful run almost a month ago.

Things have been going well. I have a beautiful home and family.

But deep inside, I feel as if I don't deserve it.

I feel like any moment now, life will pull the rug under me and I will be falling all over again.

I dont deserve to be happy.

I tell myself that i do, I do, I do deserve this.

But really, I don't.

take take take me home country road

already felt weird-ish in the car.
More drama came at home. The mixed feeling. Almost struggling to be sane. To do the right and reasonable thing.

But i couldn't handle it. I just couldn't . And I ran.

Like a drunkard, I stumbled on and on. Zig zagging through paths, void decks, roads. My head hurt so much. I was so confused and filled with such a deep feeling of frustration, anger and hopelessness. I could feel myself dripping with sweat. But i couldn't stop. there were so many thoughts in my head and I just knew that if i stopped, I would be overwhelmed. As long as I didn't stop, i would be okay.

So i ran on, and on and on. And so did the thoughts.

He's better off without me. If i were gone, he'd still have the house and everything I owed him, I would make right my wrongs.
What can possibly happen with me but more hurt. I should end it.
I am a terrible person. I should end it.
The pain in my head will finally stop. I should end it.
I should just end it.
Things will only be alright if i end it.

And then I saw a mama shop.
A knife, thats what i need. A knife.
But, mama shops don't sell knives and where would I stab it? my stomach? I couldn't possibly stab my heart, my rib cage would be in the way.

and so i ran on. and so did my thoughts.

I went through park connectors, under MRT tracks, past stadiums, across roads and who knows where else. All i knew was that if i stopped, my past and all my sins would catch up with me and so I couldn't stop.

But, i finally did, with blistered and bloody feet.

And now, all I am left with is my shame.

Anxiety Anxiously Awaiting

There is a pounding in my chest. My heart beats fast and sometimes I catch myself holding my breath.
Sometimes all this becomes too overwhelming.
When I look back at the past year.
all the mistakes i made. All the hurt i caused. I can't face it. I can hardly look at my empty shell of a life and not feel like puking.

I thought the depression and the mania was the worst part. But is not. Now is the worst part.
The moment when you open your eyes and see all the damage that you caused. Nothing left to do now but to pick up the broken pieces and try the very best to hold them together.

I feel like there is hand grasping my heart, my chest. I am anxious. Fearful. Thoughts of what happened flash through my mind and the grip gets tighter.

I can't believe this happened to me.

I can't believe i did all this.
I can't believe the monster is me.

Back on anti depressants

And so the journey begins again.

The good part of the hallucinations is that it made me have no choice but to stop stilnox. Now I'm on seraquel and some anti histamine . But on top of the usual Lamcital, I am also on a new anti depressant.

I wonder how much longer my list of tried and tested medicine I will have to go through.

I know I have to be patient. It's only been such a short time. But damn it, i want my life back .

Today, I felt like vomiting all through dinner. And it was bad. like real bad. could hardly have some salad.
and now, m in bed with anxiety. a feeling so lost yet familiar. I am unsure of its because the Godma called. Or because of whatever else.

I feel like my mind is a minefield . Any moment now and I'm going to fly into mania. or sink into depression.
sometimes it feels like my mind has betrayed the body. How can you do this me me. How can it be that the monster thats killing me is myself. People who have cancer know that cancer is going to kill them. Or people with heart diseases know that thats how death will claim them.
And me? I'm the one thats going to be the death of myself.


The letter has been sent to HR.
Hopefully i get to have a new life.

Hallucinations

My stilnox addiction has taken a toll on me. I really should have seen this coming. But i didn't know how to stop it. I first started noticing hallucinations in December near xmas. Since then it was getting more and more vivid.
Last week, it started to get out of hand. Memories of dreams were blending in with reality and i had trouble telling them apart.
I really thought i was going crazy for a moment. Or had a brain tumor.

Then came Wednesday night.
The lace was beautiful Shimmery and intense, yet gentle and kind. It was beautiful. And i was appreciating them with some ladies. There was at least one lady and the rest were little girls. We talked and giggled. They were beside my bed and in the shelves.

and then the dreams. The rapes. The bloodied and swollen bodies, the beaten up faces and the despair I felt as I held them close, wiping their faces and comforting them as far as I could.
How does one wake up from that and be okay?